"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
Powerlessness: a rather loaded word for me. Growing up in my home my role was and sometimes still is to "fix". In my child's mind if I acted out, played around, joked, danced, sang, screamed shouted- whatever, I was distracting us all from the painful reality of our household. i was distracting us from the rage, the showdowns and the catastrophic evils that seemed to sweep us up without a moments notice.
My first ever memory is being two- my mom holding my hand and shouting at my father "look at what you are doing to her!" My dad was drunk and I was screaming and crying. It was 2 a.m and apparently I was a pretty powerful weapon- could I get my dad to sober up? Could that little girl begging without words for everything to be better get him to change? No. He was and still is crippled by a disease. The same way if he had had cancer I couldnt have begged that away, nor could I beg his alcoholism away.
Did I try? Absolutely. Do I still? Some days more than others but I'm working on it. Step one has meant that I need to learn to mind my own business. I grew up having to be right all the time so I could control the uncontrollable. I grew up needing to know everything at once and feeling a general "have to" feeling.
I forgive myself for this flaw- which was once a survival tool that I am grateful for.
Step one challenged me because I felt that it meant I was giving up- the alanon sayig of "we are powerless over people, places and things" did not sit well with me. I equated powerless with weakness and defeat. I also felt as if I was betraying my father and my whole dysfunctional family by "giving up" by admitting powerlessness. as I grew into this step I had to work hard. I had to give up 28 years of acting like God and just be a humble human with limitations.
When my dad drank my mother controlled. She ruled the roost so to speak with threats, shouting, dominance and a giant thumb that the whole family lived under. It was suffocating to say the least. God bless her she did not have the recovery program that I had that she so badly needed. Living with a very ill man she became very ill herself. Living with both of them as examples I became very ill also. My whole family did- they don't call it a family disease for nothing! When I first started alanon I could not fathom how my brother and sister would survive without it. I pushed my program on them as a form of controlling alcoholism- I should have minded my own business with this but I didn't. That's OK... I was just starting out and probably always will be.
I have gained so much relief and sanity from the notion of powerlessness. Awareness of my powerlessness over this disease and the symptoms which manifest from the disease is supreme to my recovery. I feel so grateful to step one. I feel grateful that I have been given a chance to start out again.
Powerlessness has been the most empowering thing that has happened to me. I have had to work hard and develop and not without growing pains but it has truly enabled me to start to grow towards step two and a saner place.
I forgive myself for this flaw- which was once a survival tool that I am grateful for.
Step one challenged me because I felt that it meant I was giving up- the alanon sayig of "we are powerless over people, places and things" did not sit well with me. I equated powerless with weakness and defeat. I also felt as if I was betraying my father and my whole dysfunctional family by "giving up" by admitting powerlessness. as I grew into this step I had to work hard. I had to give up 28 years of acting like God and just be a humble human with limitations.
When my dad drank my mother controlled. She ruled the roost so to speak with threats, shouting, dominance and a giant thumb that the whole family lived under. It was suffocating to say the least. God bless her she did not have the recovery program that I had that she so badly needed. Living with a very ill man she became very ill herself. Living with both of them as examples I became very ill also. My whole family did- they don't call it a family disease for nothing! When I first started alanon I could not fathom how my brother and sister would survive without it. I pushed my program on them as a form of controlling alcoholism- I should have minded my own business with this but I didn't. That's OK... I was just starting out and probably always will be.
I have gained so much relief and sanity from the notion of powerlessness. Awareness of my powerlessness over this disease and the symptoms which manifest from the disease is supreme to my recovery. I feel so grateful to step one. I feel grateful that I have been given a chance to start out again.
Powerlessness has been the most empowering thing that has happened to me. I have had to work hard and develop and not without growing pains but it has truly enabled me to start to grow towards step two and a saner place.
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