The Step.

One year on from starting the Al-Anon program I have decided to start writing about my recovery in an attempt to solidify any growth that has and may continue to come about. I also hope to offer some service by the way of my writing to others who have lived with the disease of alcoholism.

What happened one year ago that brought me to Al-Anon?

Well...how I was actually brought to my first al-anon meeting was in a tuk tuk coursing through the grimy streets of Chiang Mai, Thailand. Of course I didn't actually need to go to a meeting because I wasn't the alcoholic- my dad was (and still is). So why was I breaking into a sweat and attempting to jump out of the tuk tuk every time we stopped in traffic if I was totally fine and not in need of an al-anon meeting?

What brought me there... another holiday ruined by the demons that had followed me from my dysfunctional childhood home to a posh hotel room 28 years later. Those lil babies managed to check in to my room with me, go to the bar with me every night, shop at the markets with me and even shower with me. Yes. My unseen, all pervasive demons were yet again getting a holiday in an exotic destination and I was footing the bill...

My demons are multiple and endless, vicious and insidious. My demons smell of Guinness and reek of loss. My demons carry the broken furniture from my family home around in their pockets and poke me with it every now and then. My demons tell me that I am not good enough when my husband puts his arms around me. My demons tell me not to write this because it won't be good enough.

Enough about the demons already! (See what they did there? Took up a whole damn paragraph).
This is a blog about recovery. I was at breaking point in that hotel room. I was damaged, frightened, riddled with anxiety and depression and teetering on the edge of reason. Now here's the catch. no one else knew- or so I thought. I presented as a strong, fearless and together woman. I fixed things that needed fixing. I had the house, husband, car, job, friends and nice clothes that painted a pretty picture. I was however burning up on the inside. That night I had hit emotional rock bottom. In classic co-dependent, adult child of alcoholic fashion I was searching on line for a way to fix my sister who was depressed at the time. I came across a website about codependency and there was a checklist. I started to do the checklist for my sister and lo and behold she ticked ALL of the boxes. Through my tears I stared at that screen and relief flooded every one of my cells as I realized that I had saved her!!! I had saved her and...hang on...shit- I checked every box as well. Ouch.

After a little more searching online I ended up on the al-anon homepage and started to read about myself...turns out those demons in the bed next to me at the fancy hotel were not unique to me at all. Turns out that I had a generic set of demons that seem to follow people around who suffer from the family disease of alcoholism.

I found a meeting. I got way too dressed up and hailed a tuk tuk taxi. I was terrified.

I felt like I was going to my own funeral. In some ways I actually was. My old self who was living with this awful illness alone was about to be put to rest. I was about to be born into recovery. The first step was step one. Sounded easy:

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Next post will be on how rewarding that step was and still is how absolutely wrong I was on the "easy" part.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Di x

P.S- it gets better. The demons are cleaning my kitchen right now. Seriously.

Is your life affected by someones drinking? See http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ for info and meeting locations near you.